CHARACTERS:
It is Friday afternoon, and Josie is up against her
4 p.m. deadline for submitting her Dear Josie column to the local
newspaper before rushing to the hairdresser and from there to the music
club. Her nails are freshly painted and need to dry; her daughter is
calling in distress, from a date with a man who may be a very bad
character; the plumber arrives to fix a clogged drain, only to create
bigger problems
With chaos all around, can Josie once more pull off
the impossible? |
|
From Scene 1
JOSIE: Bertie, could you take a bit of that pound cake and put it in my mouth? BERT: What pound cake? JOSIE: Over there, isn't it? BERT: I don't see it. JOSIE: I thought Look, just lift up that newspaper, will you? It may have snuck under that. JOSIE: God, is that cake dry! Quick, can you get me some milk? Or juice? Or is there any of that white wine left in the bottle? BERT: Which do you want? JOSIE: Whatever you can find, Bertie. But make it quick! (Coughs more, waves hands to dry them while BERT leaves.) Why do they call it a pound cake anyway? It surely doesn't weigh a pound. It's three ounces of dust! Perhaps people get so fed up with it, they pound it into the ground? (More coughing) Oh God, look at the time! Where does it go, all day long? You're hardly up, and those hands on the clock are flying around, barely touching the hours, let alone the minutes! (Coughs more.) JOSIE: Oh, thank you! You saved my life. Was the wine finished then? BERT: Yes as was the milk. JOSIE: Oh good. (Beat) The milk was finished? BERT: Yes. JOSIE: I don't remember finishing it. BERT: One doesn't always. (Pointedly:) Or if one does, one may forget to put it on the shopping list. So next morning there won't be any to have with the coffee. JOSIE: Oh Bertie! You and your shopping lists. I make them up all the time - but then I can't ever find them when I'm going out! They all disappear the moment I go shopping. Most of them must still be in the house. BERT: Not if I find them. JOSIE: No, of course not. You would cook their goose right then and there. Off to the recycling bin! Quick march! But you know, I came across one the other day that was at least two years old? I wonder how it escaped you. (Beat) Oh my God! Three o'clock already! Have you seen the letters? BERT: Actually, I have. They were under the pound cake. JOSIE: Which was under the newspaper. BERT: The Bloomingdale's sales catalogue, actually. JOSIE: You see, everything turns up eventually. I was looking for that catalogue the whole morning. Could you be an angel, Bertie, and get those letters and find one that makes some sort of sense because most of them seem to be written by very strange people, not something one would really want to put in print, don't you agree? BERT: (Has been flipping through the letters; now pulls out one.) Here's one about snoring: "Dear Josie: My husband snores with great gusto every night so I can't sleep a wink - and I mean a wink. But when I try to mention it, he gets angry as anything and denies vigorously (underlined) that he snores at all." Etc. etc. JOSIE: That's perfect, Bertie! What would I do without you! Of course, I'll have to change it a bit, but let's see Why don't I make it about hiccups! That way, I can change it freely, and this person won't know it's really their letter about snoring. BERT: Why not just use the letter about snoring? JOSIE: Oh, I've done so many of those, haven't I? BERT: You have? JOSIE: I thought I did. I think it should be about the hiccups, just to be on the safe side. Because I really can't take the time now to check, don't you see? I'll have to get the copy to the paper by four o'clock! And I have to dash off to the hairdresser before that! BERT: Not an awful lot of time. As usual. JOSIE: You will help me, won't you? I rely on you! (Eats more of the cake, and coughs.) Oh, look at that! Now I've ruined my nail, on that stupid cake! Where is the nail polish? Hello? Oh, hi, Linda! Oh Lord! She's recovered, has she, the abominable creature? (Coughs.) What? She said that? And Brenda didn't get up and slug her? (Coughs more.) Yes, of course. I'll be there at five, for rehearsal Oh yes, much much better Oh that! That's just the pound cake No, I won't bring that to rehearsal. Got to hurry! See you! (Hangs up.) BERT: You seem to have such violent friends! JOSIE: Wait till you hear, Bertie Oh my God, the time! Have you seen the nail polish? I messed up this nail. Let's see: the snorer. Or rather, the hiccupper. Let's see. Dear Sleepless, or whatever BERT: Distraught. Dear Distraught. (Picks up nail polish, from a potted plant.) Here's the nail polish. You really think you need to fuss with that now? Considering the time? I doubt anybody will notice (that little blemish on your fingernail) JOSIE: I will notice. And it's all I'll notice. You have no idea how a thing like that festers in your mind until it fills it completely, like a gas. BERT: Well, we don't want that! JOSIE: Exactly. Now where were we? BERT: Dear Distraught JOSIE: Yes, of course. Dear Distraught. What was it she was distraught about, again? BERT: The snoring. JOSIE: The hiccups, of course! If only I had a little more time! Listen, how about: The next time your husband keeps you awake with those terrible hiccups, why not record the whole gory episode on a little tape recorder. They're so cheap nowadays. Not that they'll work: nothing ever works that you buy anywhere (these days) BERT: You want to write that? About things not working? JOSIE: No, no, of course not. That was just a little comment. My God, the time is ticking away. Anyway, this is stupid, isn't it? Who in his right mind would worry about the hiccups, or deny that they're having the hiccups? BERT: Well, he didn't deny having hiccups. JOSIE: Of course not. Presumably he is not a total moron, or she would never have married him. Although people do that too, more often than you'd think possible! Oh, I don't know, Bertie! Can't you think of something? BERT: (Sits down. HE is tired.) Well, what I'm thinking is you should've started this yesterday. You know you have the hairdresser on Friday, and the music club, and a million friends calling all day JOSIE: Bertie! This is not the time to lecture me on organizing my life! I am in distress! Your lovely wife is in terrible, terrible distress and not capable of absorbing (lectures on organization) BERT: Well, when you're not in distress, then you're all mellow and don't want to spoil your good mood with disagreeable thoughts. So when do I ? JOSIE: Bertie! (Sits on HIS lap and puts HER arms around HIS neck. HE melts quickly.) Are you going to help poor Josie write her Dear Josie column? Please, please, please? With lots and lots of loving support, and no upsetting lectures or even veiled hints of criticism? BERT: Perhaps if poor Josie promises to make a bit of an effort in the future JOSIE: (Kisses BERT.) Oh, I promise! I really promise! So what do we do with this hiccupper? BERT: Perhaps use the original letter about snoring after all? JOSIE: Oh no, that won't do! The time, the time! I can't think! It's finally happening. I think this time it's really happening: I'm going to miss that awful deadline. Friday 4 p.m.! BERT: Why not go to your study, unplug the phone, and finish with this? If you're so up against it? JOSIE: You know very well I can't work in the study. Nothing happens there. I shut down. It's too quiet! Besides, the place is choc-a-bloc with potted plants and boxes of shoes and gifts for everybody for birthdays and whatnot! BERT: Not all that different from this room! JOSIE: Three ten already! I have to get this in before four o'clock, and I haven't even picked a letter yet. BERT: Here's one about hair loss. JOSIE: Hair loss? BERT: No, apparently it's more of a follow-up. From a woman who had once complained to you about her husband's hair loss, which had rendered him sadly unattractive to her. JOSIE: What a superficial creature! But I guess if that's how you feel, what can you do? At least she is honest. BERT: You could make that point. JOSIE: You should write these columns, Bertie. You really have the touch. BERT: Thank you, I'll pass. Anyhow, the problem now is, the husband has got himself a hair piece. Is she talking about a wig? JOSIE: Why is that a problem, Bertie? It seems to me the perfect solution! As long as he keeps it glued on tight! You don't want that kind of thing flying off your head with the first whiff of wind. BERT: Well, now he doesn't look like her husband at all anymore, and she can't relate to him. Quote: "It's like having a stranger in the house. Should I ask him to take the hairpiece off, or what do I do? I don't want to hurt him." End of quote. Very serious business. JOSIE: Things people worry about! What's wrong with having a stranger in the house? Presumably she's had this hair-deprived wimp around for thirty years; why can't she enjoy a change? It should make for a little excitement in the bedroom! BERT: Sounds good. You want to say that? JOSIE: Oh, I can't! The editor It's bad enough with him being stirred up by this astrology creature. BERT: Astrology creature? JOSIE: You don't want to know about it. BERT: I probably do. It sounds most interesting! JOSIE: Just a bit more of that cake? BERT: It'll make you cough again. JOSIE: I'm starving, Bertie. BERT: Didn't you have lunch? JOSIE: Who has time for lunch these days? Life has become so hectic! BERT: It's the disease of our times. JOSIE: It's because labor has become so expensive, of course. You can't even take your shoes to be repaired anymore. BERT: You think so? Have you ever tried? JOSIE: I don't have time! Sometimes I think I should, but Oh my God, look at that! Three fifteen! Anyhow, I'm sure it's prohibitively expensive. BERT: Really? JOSIE: Well, I heard somebody talk about it just the other day at the gardening club, or perhaps the music section. Although it might have been about tailors. (Vocalizes again: broken chords up and down.) I'll have a little more of that terrible cake. If only I weren't so hungry! BERT: Perhaps you should hold off on the vocalizing until you've finished the cake. JOSIE: You know, Bertie, I'll never finish that cake. It's impossible. Here, why don't you eat the rest. BERT: I don't care a lot for pound cake. JOSIE: We really shouldn't buy it in the future. BERT: I quite agree. JOSIE: (Interrupts vocalizing) "Can never agree on a movie. He wants I want " (Snorts, flings letter aside; resumes vocalizing while reading the next letter.) "Can't believe he has to stay that late in the office every day. Do you think he is cheating on me?" (Flings letter aside.) Well, what do you need: a written confession? A video of him doing it? Join the millions! (Takes another letter.) "I know he thinks I'm too fat. He won't say so but the way he looks at me sometimes " (Reads a little more.) Oh dear, another desperate dieter who gets fat just from smelling the cookies. Oh, Joan! How are you, darling? (Looks nervously at clock.) With a man? You mean, what's his name, Tom? He wasn't a Tom, he was a John? What? Actually, I don't have much time, darling, because the column Not John? A different one? Darling, I can't hear you very well. Oh, you're calling from the restaurant Bathroom? Oh, I see: he's in the bathroom. Good. Well, tell me: what happened? To John? OK, OK, I won't mention him again! That is, if I can remember his name, so I know whom not to mention. Yes, of course. It wouldn't have been a good match anyhow: Joan and John. You can hardly say it! Joan and John! It's ridiculous. BERT: (Enters.) The plumber. JOSIE: (Confused; into phone:) Plumber? The man's a plumber? (To BERT:) Oh! The plumber! Of course! (Into phone:) Sorry about that, darling! No, no; it seems the plumber has come. Never mind. Now, please start again, and slow down so I can understand you . What? Need to hang up? (Hangs up. To BERT:) She can't stick with anything, Bertie. Certainly not with men! BERT: She's old enough to take care of herself, don't you think? The more we try to help, the more dysfunctional this daughter of ours seems to get. JOSIE: Oh, Bertie. We're from an antiquated generation. We're fossils. We just stick together like burrs. Endlessly. Without thinking or asking stupid questions. BERT: I suppose that's good. JOSIE: It's certainly good for me! What would I do without you? I'd never get even one of these columns off. I wouldn't even make it to the hairdresser. I'd run around with gray hair all over my head, like an ancient mop! BERT: I somehow don't think so. (Clanging and subdued banging is heard from upstairs.) JOSIE: What is that plumber doing? BERT: Fixing the drain in the bathroom upstairs. JOSIE: The drain! Of course. It hasn't been itself lately. In fact, it hasn't been itself in years. I wish they'd invent something better than drains. BERT: Well, our ancestors had a system that worked beautifully: throw it all out the window. JOSIE: No, something better than that! (Practices a bit of a song: Danny Boy. Louder banging is heard from upstairs.) What's that! BERT: The plumber getting more forceful, I guess. JOSIE: What's he doing? Ripping out the pipes? BERT: I hope not. JOSIE: Three twenty! (There is a muffled cry.) What was that? BERT: I'm not sure. JOSIE: I didn't like that. It didn't sound good. BERT: I hope everything is all right. ANITA: Oooh! Ahh! Ai-ya-yai! JOSIE: Oh! Are you all right? Bertie, who ? BERT: This is Anita. (Beat) The plumber. JOSIE: The plumber! Oh please, sit down, won't you, before you fall over and hurt yourself. So you're the plumber! ANITA: Oh, I'm sorry! BERT: Don't worry about it; I was going to clear it up anyhow. (Picks up the books and papers.) Oh, look: two shopping lists! (Studies them.) JOSIE: What happened? To your thumb? BERT: No: three! Ancient! (Throws the shopping lists in the waste basket.) ANITA: The plug the big plug below the sink all rusted in, you see. JOSIE: Oh, that's what the banging was all about! You banged it a bit? ANITA: A lot. It wouldn't budge with the wrench alone. So I had to hammer the wrench. (Looks at her thumb.) You think it looks flat? Flatter than the other one? JOSIE: Oh, don't say that! In fact, I don't think we should talk about it anymore. BERT: Let me see that. Are you sure you're OK? (ANITA holds her hand out.) I'm afraid it'll be all black and blue. And the nail may come off. Perhaps you should call it a day. ANITA: Oh no. I'm tough. I just need to catch my breath. Do you have some aspirin? BERT: I will get you some aspirin. You just sit here with Josie Mrs. Zehlig. (Exits.) JOSIE: (After pause) So you're the plumber. (Pause) It's a bit unusual, isn't it? ANITA: Not too many women do it yet. JOSIE: Yes. Mostly they send us men. Rather big ones. ANITA: Yeah. It helps when you can put some weight on that wrench. JOSIE: Oh, let's not talk about that horrible wrench anymore. (Shudders. Pause.) Would you mind telling me how you came to take up plumbing, as a profession? ANITA: It's where the money is these days. Not in roto-rooting, of course. New construction, remodeling, cutting-edge bathrooms. JOSIE: You're not talking about ours, then. Ours is an antique. ANITA: You may be remodeling before you know it. It's like the flu, sweeping the country. JOSIE: Contagious. ANITA: Your friend has it; your neighbors have it; you can't be left behind. That's how it goes. You wouldn't believe how busy we are. BERT: I hope this helps. ANITA: Thank you. (Swallows the aspirin.) JOSIE: Anita has a fascinating career ahead of her, Bertie. She's been telling me all about it. New construction, cutting-edge remodeling. Aside from the odd roto-rooting job, of course. BERT: That's wonderful. Uhm, Josie ANITA: Yeah. I'm taking evening classes in contract law and business economics. And they're very good about training me in all the high-tech stuff. The guys in the firm. Well, I'd better get back to that drain, now that I've got it open. JOSIE: But you're not going to hit yourself any more with that sledgehammer, will you? ANITA: Sledgehammer! Oh my God! No, it was just a regular hammer. Like that. (Shows size of the hammer.) JOSIE: Thank God! JOSIE: Bertie, you're careful when you hit things with the hammer, aren't you? BERT: Extremely careful. JOSIE: I thought that thumb was a little flatter, didn't you? BERT: Like a pancake? JOSIE: Oh, Bertie! Stop it! (Pause) Three twenty-five! And we still haven't found a letter! I'll never have time to finish it before I go to the hairdresser. And I simply have to get rid of all that gray hair! BERT: You're fine with the gray hair. It suits you. JOSIE: You know a lot about a lot of things, Bertie, but this is one area where you fail the test completely. Gray hair suits no woman on this earth. The time, the time! What else have you got, Bertie? BERT: You mean, letters? Here's one, from a woman who worries about her husband dressing up in her undies. JOSIE: So unappetizing! I think she should tie the nasty things around his head and chase him out of the house, for all the world to see! BERT: You want to say that? You want me to take it down? JOSIE: Better not. What do you think? What am I going to say about something disgusting like that? We're supposed to be all modern, and enlightened, and immensely immensely immensely what, Bertie? BERT: Rational? JOSIE: Yes, of course. Obsessively rational. If only I could get myself in the mood to be obsessively rational. BERT: That might be difficult, yes. (Grinding noises and shaking as the plumber starts to snake the line. The noise continues on and off as they talk, making it necessary for them to shout to each other.) JOSIE: (Jumps.) What's that? BERT: Anita working the snake. JOSIE: Is that what it is? It feels like the Titanic running aground. BERT: I think that was an iceberg they hit. JOSIE: I know that! Same noise, don't you think? The problem is, nobody has any smart ideas. We're stuck in the stone age: a bit of dirt in the pipe, so you bang and shake and blast and drill and bring the whole cave down. BERT: What would you have them do? Well, where is all the high-tech the poor girl was talking about? You'd think they could do it with a laser or something - apply some of that technology they brought back from the moon, which they can't find any other use for. BERT: Teflon. JOSIE: Is that all? BERT: And silly putty, I think. JOSIE: Teflon and silly putty. There you go. Should be some way to unclog pipes with that! BERT: Perhaps there is. But we'd better get back to that letter! JOSIE: Where were we? BERT: The husband prancing around in the woman's bra and panties. JOSIE: Oh yes! So what would you say to the poor creature? In two minutes? God, the noise! BERT: I don't know. Don't take it so seriously? Make light of it? JOSIE: How brilliant, Bertie. How absolutely perfect. Not that I would take it lightly if I found you running around in my undies! So don't get any ideas. BERT: I promise I won't. JOSIE: Good. So, perhaps you can write something like: "Dear Thunderstruck or whatever: Why not make a little GAME of it? Let him prance around in your bra and panties, and you put on his boxer shorts and " What else, Bertie? Put on his socks? (Beat) I still think she should tie the things around his head and chase him out in the street. That should cure him! BERT: Why don't you say that, then? JOSIE: One day I will! But then, I can just see the editor JOSIE: Joan? Hold on? What do you mean? (To BERT:) Bertie, why is it so quiet, all of a sudden? I'm a little worried. Are you? BERT: Not particularly. Can't you ask Joan to call back this evening? JOSIE: I wish (Into phone:) Oh there you are, darling. Why do you whisper like that? (Whispers) He's gone to the telephone? Because he doesn't like the cell phone, I see. (Loud) What? You think he may be a very BAD man! In fact, a married man? I see, just wanting sex, sex, sex. Well, that's nothing really new, is it? What do you mean, maybe worse? (To BERT:) Hung up again! A man BERT: I know. ANITA: It's all snaked. JOSIE: (To BERT:) She's afraid of him, it seems. He may be a BAD one! (To ANITA:) Oh! You've finished? It's all done? ANITA: All done. There was a lot of stuff in that pipe: peas or something green like that hair, soap, cookies - you name it! I'm going to run a lot of hot water through it now, to really clean it out. JOSIE: Good. How is that thumb? ANITA: Throbbing. BERT: Ice would be good. I'll get you some ice. (Leaves.) JOSIE: Tell me, Anita: are you ever afraid of men? ANITA: Some can be scary, sure. JOSIE: What do you do, then? ANITA: Sometimes it's enough if I tell them I'm a plumber. JOSIE: Yes, but then Joan is not a plumber, of course. And nobody looking at her is going to believe her if she says she is. Not that they'd believe you, either. ANITA: Oh, they do. Mostly. JOSIE: And if they don't? ANITA: Picking your teeth helps. Sometimes. Or your nose. BERT: Try that. ANITA: Oh, thanks. (Puts an ice cube on her thumb and breathes blissfully.) JOSIE: I see. Pick your teeth. Or your nose. (Winces with disgust.) And if that doesn't do the trick? ANITA: Act crazy. That'll do it every time. JOSIE: You're so wise, Anita. I just wish you were more careful with that sledgehammer. BERT: Josie! JOSIE: What? BERT: Hammer, not sledgehammer! JOSIE: Of course! I'm sorry! ANITA: Well, thanks for the ice. That was really great. I feel 100 percent better. I'll run some hot water now. (SHE leaves.) JOSIE: She has such great spirit. In such a small body! If I'd banged my thumb like that (Phone rings; JOSIE: picks it up.) Joan? Hello? Hung up again! I don't like what's going on, Bertie, with that man! (Something hits JOSIE from above; she looks up.) Bertie! What was that? BERT: What was what? JOSIE: Something hot fell on my head. Hot and wet. BERT: Hot? (Looks up at ceiling.) Oh-oh! It's dripping! From the ceiling! JOSIE: How can it be dripping? It never dripped before. BERT: (Voice Off) Anita! Anita! ANITA: (Voice Off) Yes? BERT: (Voice Off) Stop running the water! ANITA: (Voice Off) Stop? Stop running the water? ( BERT: (Voice Off) Yes. Stop! Could you come down here! And bring the bucket! JOSIE: Joan? Oh, Suzie! Yes, yes. No, I haven't read it yet. Change in plan? What do you mean? Oh! No good? Horrible, degenerate, disgusting? I see! So what's the new book we're going to read instead? "Traveling Through Chad: A Fateful Journey." Are you sure? That's the title? Traveling Through Chad. Traveling Through Chad. ANITA: Wow! Look at that! (SHE puts the bucket under the drip.) JOSIE: Bertie, can you write that down? I don't have a pen. BERT: What? JOSIE: Traveling All Over Chad. For the book club. (BERT throws up his hands. JOSIE speaks into phone:) Ciao, Suzie! And thanks for letting me know! (To BERT:) Traveling All Over Chad. You got that, Bertie? (Into phone:) See you Tuesday! (Hangs up. To BERT:) Good thing I didn't get that book yet! It turned out to be disgusting and no good at all. I'm glad they caught it before we all had to sit down and discuss the filthy thing. BERT: Traveling All Over Chad. I'll remember it. (To ANITA, pointing at the slowing drip from the ceiling:) What is that, you think? JOSIE: Yes. Why is the water coming out of there? We've never had that before. ANITA: Drain pipe's shot. Roto-rooted too many times. It's been rubbed to bits. JOSIE: Oh! But I don't think we do it more than every six months or so! ANITA: Every six months! What are you doing in this house that you need to roto-root twice a year! JOSIE: Doesn't everybody? ANITA: First I ever heard of it. Perforated pipe, that's what you've got. Every six months! Oh my God! JOSIE: You see, Bertie? Stone age! Roto-rooting, and drilling, and banging. We live in very primitive times and all the time, they try to make us think we are part of this great Technology Revolution BERT: (To ANITA:) What now? New pipes? Remodeling after all? JOSIE: Not right now! I've got to finish that column. ANITA: I can do better than that. BERT: Really? ANITA: Acrylic insert. Right through that section of pipe. Piece of cake. JOSIE: Not pound cake, I hope! BERT: (To ANITA:) Have you ever done this before? JOSIE: Joan! I'm glad you called back. (Whispers:) Is he in the bathroom again? ANITA: Sure. Trust me. I know my stuff. (Leaves.) [Scene 1 continues ...] |
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A Valley Not Far From the Sea 
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