Scene 1

The living room at the home of JOSIE and BERTRAM ZEHLIG. A window overlooking the garden at stage right. Door leading to hall, stage left. Couch and two easy chairs; large old-fashioned stereo cabinet supporting large fish tank or bowl with one biggish fish; various knick-knacks next to fish tank. Many small tables, most covered with precarious piles of books, papers, catalogues, etc. Some boxes with pieces of clothing, shoes, and curious objects on the floor, in various corners. Potted plants, some perched dangerously on towers of books. BERT is reading blissfully, his feet resting on a low ottoman. JOSIE is walking around looking inside various boxes tucked away into corners of the room, or under small tables, to refresh her memory on their contents. She is humming Christmas songs, sometimes switching to whistling.

JOSIE: Isn't it a shame that Christmas is over, Bertie?

BERT: Uh-huh.

JOSIE: Kids come and gone. Christmas tree drooping and shedding its needles. Presents all unwrapped and stuffed into drawers … (A look at the various boxes:) Well, not all of them …

BERT: Hmm.

JOSIE: No more surprises waiting …

BERT: Uh-huh.

JOSIE: You don't find yourself depressed contemplating the dreary winter months?

BERT: Hmm.

JOSIE: I guess you don't contemplate them as deeply as I do.

BERT: Uh-huh.

JOSIE: I somehow don't expect any more from the new year than the old year delivered. Do you? Perhaps more snow. There's certainly enough of it piled up in the driveway and everywhere. It's like walking through a maze in an Eskimo village.

BERT: Hmm.

JOSIE: Bertie! Are you listening?

BERT: (Comes to.) Oh! Not terribly, I'm afraid.

JOSIE: Well, how do you like that? I've been holding forth for hours.

BERT: I'm sorry. I was really engrossed in this book.

JOSIE: I know, I talk too much. I can't help it, Bertie. There seems to be so much in there that's just bursting to come out, all the time. You don't have that, do you?

BERT: Not really. Interesting.

JOSIE: Isn't it? (Bumps into the fish tank. Looks at the fish, which is motionless.) Bertie, I'm worried about Fritz. I think he looks sluggish.

BERT: Probably just resting. From the holidays.

JOSIE: Well, I think we should keep an eye on him.

BERT: I always keep an eye on him, Josie.

JOSIE: Actually, you look tired and sluggish too, Bertie.

BERT: You think so.

JOSIE: Yes. You look all worn out. I'm afraid Christmas wore you out. All the talking and commotion.

BERT: I am perhaps a little tired.

JOSIE: Or did Joan wear you out?

BERT: Perhaps Joan was a little wearing, yes.

JOSIE: Hmm. I wish she'd find a proper man.

BERT: That would be good, yes. One day, I'm sure …

JOSIE: Perhaps you need a holiday.

BERT: Holiday? We just had a holiday. That's what tired me out.

JOSIE: Well, then perhaps a holiday all by yourself.

BERT: I don't think I want …

JOSIE: Something restful. (Beat) Would you like to go fishing?

BERT: Fishing! I don't … Anyhow, there are at least two feet of snow on the ground …

JOSIE: Well, then perhaps skiing.

BERT: It's been years …

JOSIE: Or snow-shoeing? I heard some people in the gardening club saying it is a very peaceful, meditative thing to do, and not at all … (stressful)

BERT: I think I'm just fine here, reading.

JOSIE: Are you sure? I don't blame you if you want to get away for a few … (SHE knocks down a box of photographs.) Oh! How did that box get there? (SHE scoops up the photos and puts them on top of a pile of books. Some photos are left on the floor. SHE looks at one of them.) I wonder who this is, Bertie. This boy. I don't remember him. (Shows photo to BERT.)

BERT: Which boy?

JOSIE: The one holding the potted plant.

BERT: I don't think it's a potted plant so much as a hat.

JOSIE: A hat? (Puts on her glasses and looks more carefully.) Why would he hold a hat?

BERT: Why not? Why would he be more likely to hold a potted plant than a hat?

JOSIE: Hmm. (Pause) Did you know we got a Christmas card from Melinda Brookstone?

BERT: The astrologer? What did she say?

JOSIE: Just "Melinda Brookstone." Her signature. Under a very telling printed message.

BERT: Oh?

JOSIE: Yes: Peace!

BERT: I wonder what that is all about.

JOSIE: Hmm. (Pause) I really wonder whose hat that is.

BERT: Hat?

JOSIE: In the picture.

BERT: Oh! Well, any of the women who are sitting without a hat, I would say.

JOSIE: It's such an intriguing thing: this boy standing there holding a ladies' hat. It is a ladies' hat, isn't it?

BERT: There can't be much doubt about that. It's topped with a whole forest of artificial flowers.

JOSIE: This woman over on the left is Aunt Julia, I'm pretty sure. And this one might be Aunt Theresa. And that, I know, is Uncle Herbert.

BERT: It's not Uncle Herbert's hat. You can be sure of that at least.

JOSIE: Yes, because of the flowers. Hmm. This boy … I wonder if it was perhaps my cousin Tommy. But he had a much longer nose, I think.

BERT: It may have grown as he got older. Noses seem to do that.

JOSIE: You think so? I suppose it's possible. But he did have a very long nose. Hmm … (BERT resumes reading.) You know what?

BERT: (With a sigh) What?

JOSIE: I don't think those are artificial flowers at all.

BERT: Where? What?

JOSIE: On that hat, of course. Where else?

BERT: (By now desperate:) Not artificial flowers.

JOSIE: No. Because this was probably Aunt Julia's hat.

BERT: Aunt Julia's hat.

JOSIE: Yes. You see, she was terribly keen on gardening. Those are probably her own flowers she stuck on that hat. And she gave the hat to the boy to hold …

BERT: I see.

JOSIE: So the flowers wouldn't get squashed in the melee, or singed by the photographer's flashlight …

BERT: Ah. (Resumes reading.)

JOSIE: Oh, Bertie! You just want to get back to your book. What is it, anyway? Is it from the library? (Beat) My God, I have a whole pile of books that are overdue! Now where did I put them? (Looks at the picture again.) Hmm. You think a nose could grow so very much in just a few years? So it could be Tommy after all?

BERT: (Sighs) I'm sorry?

JOSIE: You'll never finish that book, Bertie. Not with me around. Is that what you're thinking? No peace with me around.

BERT: I didn't marry you for peace, darling. I married you because I love you.

JOSIE: That's a sweet thing to say. (Beat) Of course, if you really want peace, you could always go to the office.

BERT: Well, Harold will be there. And Gertrude. And any number of patients waiting in the waiting room.

JOSIE: Doesn't he take appointments? Like a cheap restaurant. I hate it when restaurants don't take reservations, don't you?

BERT: It's not very nice, no. But we're not a restaurant, and we do take "reservations."

JOSIE: Then why are people crowding up the waiting room? They can't all be emergencies, with oozing abscesses in their molars …

BERT: There are always some emergencies … and a few tricky jobs that take longer than expected.

JOSIE: You sound a little nostalgic, Bertie! Perhaps you'd like to forget about retiring for a while and go to the office every day?

BERT: Not me. I think I've seen all the teeth I want to see in my life. I'm fine easing into retirement.

JOSIE: (Bumping into the fish tank and looking at its solitary inhabitant.) Oh dear! I don't know about Fritz. Now he's rolled on his back. You think he's OK?

BERT: (Puts book aside; goes to examine the fish.) Oh!

JOSIE: What!

BERT: That doesn't look good!

JOSIE: You see? I told you …

BERT: That doesn't look good at all! I'm afraid …

JOSIE: Bertie! Don't say …

BERT: (Reaches into the tank and touches the fish.) I'm afraid it's true.

JOSIE: No!

BERT: It happens to all of us, darling. Sooner or later. I'm very sorry.

JOSIE: (Sits, stunned.) But … Fritz! I can't believe … We've had him so long!

BERT: Exactly. He had a good life. A great life. Not an exciting life perhaps, but …

JOSIE: I never knew there was anything wrong with him! He just went … quietly … like that! (Pause) What are we going to do?

BERT: Do?

JOSIE: Well, what does one do? Bury him, or …

BERT: Whatever you like, darling.

JOSIE: Oh Bertie! I can't bear it! The sweet little fellow!

BERT: You're putting me on, aren't you?

JOSIE: Putting you on? How can you say such a thing! Didn't Fritz mean anything to you?

BERT: Of course he did.

JOSIE: You fed him every day, didn't you?

BERT: Well, yes - more or less …

JOSIE: More or less? You mean, you sometimes forgot?

BERT: It may have happened, now and then. Rarely.

JOSIE: Really! How would you feel if we forgot your dinner now and then?

BERT: I would probably be OK. I have sufficient reserves, it seems to me. As did Fritz, probably. He was always on the chubby side.

JOSIE: Was! (Sobs) He's gone! He'll never be chubby again.

BERT: You really are in trouble!

JOSIE: Oh, I'm shattered, Bertie.

BERT: I'm sorry, sweetheart.

JOSIE: I wasn't prepared! And I didn't even get to say good-bye to him! (Runs out.)

(BERT sits down, helplessly shaking his head. After a while he picks up the phone and dials.)

BERT: Bruce, that you? … Listen, it's about Josie. I don't know what to do.… Well, what happened is, the fish died … Sure, a very nice little fish, but - you know: still just a fish. … Communicate? Well, he wiggled his tail a lot. If that means anything…. Yeah, absolutely falling to pieces. I don't think I've ever seen her like that … Grieve?… A year or two? (Beat) Hmm … any other bright ideas? … Well, no, she doesn't take advice easily, no … Yes, sure she writes the Dear Josie column. … You think so?… Oh, here she comes! (Hangs up quickly as JOSIE returns, still sniffing.) Feel a little better?

JOSIE: No. I feel terrible.

BERT: I'm sorry.

JOSIE: So quiet in the house without Fritz! I had no idea I was so attached to him. Opening and closing that cute little squashed mouth of his, and looking at me with those huge eyes, just thinking his little fish thoughts …

BERT: (Coughs nervously.) Uh, Josie …

JOSIE: I used to talk to him … especially about Joan.

BERT: About Fritz …

JOSIE: (Confused) About Fritz?

BERT: Yes. Uh … now that you found out how very attached you were to this special fish of ours …

JOSIE: He was special, wasn't he? I'm not just imagining it.

BERT: Well, I was thinking, there are probably a lot of special little fish out there. It's just a matter of finding them. If you'd like …

JOSIE: No, no, no! I can not go out and replace Fritz! I'd feel as if I betrayed him!

BERT: Of course, of course! If that's how you feel, I fully understand.

JOSIE: You do? You don't think I'm crazy.

BERT: I think no such thing. I am just a little surprised, that's all. About the intensity of your grief.

JOSIE: I don't understand it myself.

BERT: That's O.K. But listen: how about a cat, or maybe a dog?

JOSIE: No, no! I can't think about it, Bertie! Not now. Certainly not now.

BERT: Are you sure? (Brighter:) I bet Roger has a little pug for you, in that last litter of his.

JOSIE: Oh, no! No pug! They're too naked. The way they stand around and shiver, they make me shiver.

BERT: Well, we could glue some scales on it, maybe. It might even fit in the fish tank - pretty small, those pugs.

JOSIE: Don't make jokes about it, Bertie.

BERT: No, of course not. I shouldn't. I'm sorry. Well, then, I'm afraid there's only one thing to do.

JOSIE: (Sniffing) What's that, Bertie?

BERT: Here. Take this pad of paper, and here is a pen. Write down what I dictate.

JOSIE: Why do you want to dictate something?

BERT: Never mind. Ready?

JOSIE: I don't know … I'll need my glasses. I'm not seeing too well.

BERT: I'm not surprised. You've got quite a waterfall going on there. (HE has found HER glasses and hands them to HER; JOSIE puts them on.)

JOSIE: I don't know when was the last time I cried like that.

BERT: There, there. Why don't you sit down. (Makes HER sit down.) Are you ready?

JOSIE: I suppose …

BERT: "Dear Josie …"

JOSIE: Bertie, what is this?

BERT: Shhh! "Dear Josie: I need advice - urgently. You see, I had a wonderful little fish, although I never realized how wonderful he really was - or maybe it was a she, I never really knew."

JOSIE: That sounds very real, Bertie.

BERT: It is. How far did we get?

JOSIE: "Maybe it was a she, I never really knew."

BERT: OK. "I guess you know what happened: he died. It totally threw me. Life doesn't seem the same without the little fellow, and I cannot stop the tears pouring from my eyes. My husband is helpless, and I don't know what to do to get over this. What do you suggest? Signed: Bereaved."

JOSIE: Poor thing! (Sniffs) I know exactly how she feels.

BERT: That's right. Now what are you going to tell her, Dear Josie?

JOSIE: If I knew, Bertie!

BERT: Oh, you do know. You just don't know you know. Why don't you just start.

JOSIE: You think so?

BERT: I'm sure of it.

JOSIE: Well …

BERT: There you go!

JOSIE: Dear Bereaved …

BERT: That's a good beginning!

JOSIE: Dear Bereaved … I don't know what else, Bertie.

BERT: Just go on.

JOSIE: Dear Bereaved: What you need … What you need is … solitude! … A spiritual journey that leads from grief to peace. Put on your walking shoes and your knapsack, or mount your bike, right now - and begin your journey to recovery. You will emerge a stronger, bigger, finer person - a person who has grown by overcoming a great loss. They may say it's only a fish. Let them! They don't know any better. What matters is what you feel inside. Journey forth, and the answers will come to you.

BERT: Well!

JOSIE: That was amazing, Bertie!

BERT: It certainly was.

JOSIE: Where did it come from?

BERT: Don't question it.

JOSIE: So … I must go on a journey? Is that what you're saying?

BERT: I'm not saying anything. You're saying it. (Beat) You've got some hiking boots? Or there is Joan's old bike.

JOSIE: Well … the jeep, I think. In this weather.

BERT: A wise choice. Bikes and snow don't mix too well.

JOSIE: But … I can't just leave you, Bertie! You were the one who was supposed to go away and get some rest and meditation. Because you're all worn out.

BERT: I can wait. Besides, I will get rest and meditation, all alone here.

JOSIE: You'll be all alone! How will you … (manage)?

BERT: Don't worry about it. If you can only get better, I'll be the happiest man in the land!

JOSIE: Oh, Bertie. That's really very sweet of you. (Cries again.) I don't know what's happening to me! Why can't I stop crying?

BERT: You had a loss.

JOSIE: Yes, of course. But I think it's more than that. It's about … the world … everything … the loss of innocence in the world, you see …

BERT: Yes, of course.

JOSIE: He never harmed a thing in his life. We can all learn from that.

BERT: How true.

JOSIE: He always looked happy. He appreciated the little pleasures in life.

BERT: We can learn from that, too.

JOSIE: You're not making fun of me, Bertie, are you?

BERT: Not at all. (Pause) Do you realize it's only Wednesday?

JOSIE: Is it? What about it?

BERT: This is the first time in your career you finished that column two days before the deadline. Not two minutes, but two days!

JOSIE: (Cries.) I don't care about the column, Bertie! I just care about poor old Fritz!

BERT: Yes, of course.

JOSIE: But since we've written it, you'll type it up and e-mail it, won't you? While I'm gone?

BERT: I sure will.

JOSIE: (Walks around in a daze.) I don't know. This has been such a shock! (Phone rings. BERT picks it up.)

BERT: For you. Althea.

JOSIE: Yes? … Tomorrow … mulching … (Cries, hands phone to BERT.)

BERT: Uh … I'm sorry, Josie's not in a position to talk … No, no, bit of a tragedy … I see: mulch all the Christmas trees. Excellent idea. Unfortunately, though, she won't be there tomorrow.… Funeral? Well, yes, in a manner of speaking.… Thank you, I'll pass it on. (Hangs up.)

JOSIE: Thank you, Bertie.

BERT: She's sending her condolences.

JOSIE: I cannot talk about mulching today. Especially to Althea.

BERT: No need to. Just hop in your jeep and go.

JOSIE: What would I do without you, Bertie!

BERT: Don't worry about that either.

(JOSIE: picks up telephone and dials.)

BERT: Who are you calling?

JOSIE: Joan. I'd better tell her.

BERT: You don't think that could wait?

JOSIE: Oh, Joan! I have terrible news: Fritz died. … Well, yes, of course he was perfectly all right at Christmas. At least I thought so. … Well, who would have fed him fruit cake or things like that? … Joan? Joan? (To BERT:) She hung up. I think she was crying.

BERT: Well … she still thinks of him as her fish….

JOSIE: Fruitcake! As if I would have fed him fruitcake! What gave her the idea?

BERT: Don't worry about it.

JOSIE: I don't think I should leave. I feel very selfish, going off on my "journey of recovery."

BERT: No, no, you must.

JOSIE: You'll be all alone. (Pause) Perhaps you'd like to stay with the … (Mastermans)

BERT: I'm very comfortable right here. It will be quiet and peaceful …

JOSIE: You're sure?

BERT: Absolutely sure.

JOSIE: I'll pack just a few things, then.

BERT: You do that.

JOSIE: Oh, Bertie! You're so very sweet! I can't stand it! (Runs out, crying again.)

(BERT sighs, sits on couch, puts his feet up on the ottoman, and resumes reading. After a few seconds, the phone rings. HE picks it up.)

BERT: Hello? … Oh, Bruce! … No, no go on the pet idea … Well, she's going on a "journey" … No idea … Thanks a lot again! Bye! (Resumes reading. After a little while, JOSIE enters.) There you are! All packed?

JOSIE: Just a few things.

BERT: Where do you think you'll go?

JOSIE: I have no idea, Bertie. I'll just go.

BERT: Sure. (Pause) Call me, now and then?

JOSIE: Call. Of course I'll call.

BERT: The roads being what they are.

JOSIE: Yes, they're not too good, are they?

BERT: Come, I'll see you off. Before you get cold feet. (HE takes HER by the arm and leads HER out. Banging of front door, car noise, then BERT returns alone. He pours himself a drink, raises his glass, takes little sips between toasts:) Well, here's to Josie! And to Fritz! (Looks at tank, a little apprehensive.) And to peace and quiet, for a while! Ah! (Sits leisurely, resumes reading. Soon his mouth droops, his eyes close, and he dozes off as LIGHTS DIM.) (EXTINGUISH LIGHTS.)

Scene 2

Same setting. Lights are slightly dimmed. There are two blankets on the couch, carelessly crumpled up. BERT is in the same position as at the end of the previous scene. He is holding the same book as before. His eyes are closed, his mouth is slightly open. The book falls from his hands and hits the floor. BERT jumps as he wakes up from the noise.

BERT: (Alarmed) What was that! (Sees book.) Oh! (Pause) What time is it? (Looks at watch.) Four o'clock! (Pause) What day is it? Friday? No, Thursday. When did she leave? Just yesterday? Yes, Wednesday. Yesterday. So quiet! Not even a fish … My God: Fritz! He's still in the tank! What am I going to do with him? She'll have a … (Looks at tank.) Better put you in cold storage, old friend.

(Gets up with great effort, takes several tissues, wraps Fritz in them, goes to kitchen, returns soon. His steps are slow and tired. He sinks back onto the couch and stares into space, catatonic. After a while, the phone rings. BERT looks at it, sighing, unable to rise. It stops ringing, then starts again. HE walks to the phone like a zombie, lifts it and listens. His answers are robotic.)

BERT (continued): Joan! … About Fritz … Yes … You're sorry … No … Away … Yes, she's away … Bye. (HE looks dumbly at the phone, turns it off, cannot decide where to put it. As if in a trance, he finally drops it into the fish tank. He staggers back to the couch and sinks into it. After a while the ticking of a clock is audible. HE jumps up.) What's that? Tok, tak, tok!… Oh! The clock! What a noise! My nerves! (Wraps one of the blankets around the clock, sits again, relieved.) That's better. (Pause) God, that silence! Shattering! (Looks at cereal bowl on small table next to couch.) Corn Flakes! Getting pretty sick of that stuff! But who wants to cook? Milk and Corn Flakes. Perfectly nutritious … But boy, does it get monotonous! (Rubs hands, tries to rally.)

BERT (continued): Well, how about a nice cup o' tea, Bertie? With some milk, and a cookie or two! Cheer things up a bit! (Sinks back into couch.) Ah, forget it! Cookies are finished anyhow. (Pause) Tea and cereal? How about that, Bertie? Tea and Corn Flakes! Let's live it up! (Groans) Boy oh boy, just listen to this! I think I'm going nuts! (HE stands up.) Got to get mobile! While I still can. (Phone rings in the distance. BERT looks around, cannot see the phone. HE walks like a zombie around the room, finally shuffles to the kitchen.)

BERT: (Voice Off) Josie! … All right … (HE returns with the phone, walks to middle of room, stands in a trance.)

BERT: Rabbit … no rabbit … Ostrich … too big … Crying … Books … library … don't forget … Bye. (Switches phone off; walks over to fish tank.) Hmm. (Shakes head, throws phone into fish tank, shakes head, walks back to couch, yawns, sits down and stares into space. After a while, shakes himself awake.) No good. Whole system shutting down! Soon, I'll be too far gone to make breakfast - not even Corn Flakes. Poor Josie! Won't be pleased if she finds just a skeleton on the couch! Come on, Bertie! Get a move on! See some people! Get some noise into the place! (Takes deep breath, gets up, looks for phone, can't find it. Shuffles out to get a phone from the hall. Returns, stands, dials slowly, carefully.)

BERT (continued): Bruce? Oh, Marge! … Not there? Ice fishing? … Since when does he … ? Saturday? I see … (Hangs up.) Ice fishing! Hmm. Bill's in Europe. Dick? No, I can't take Dick. He just sits and eats. What now? (Pause) Old school friends? Who? They've all moved, I suppose. (Dials. Speaks into phone the way one does when replying to automated instructions and questions from Directory Inquiry.)

BERT, continued: Bradleburg. … John Henley. H - e - n - l - e - y! … Nothing. … Hmm. … Frank Coleridge. C - o - l - e - r - i - d - g - e! … Nothing. … Uh … (Hangs up.) Who else is there? Who'd stay in Bradleburg, Ohio, anyhow? … Oh, I know: Casper! He'd stay. Hmm. (Dials.) Bradleburg. … Casper Dean … D - e - a - n. … 614-440-4538. 614-440-4538. (Hangs, up, writes down number, dials again.)

BERT (continued): Casper! Is that old Casper? You remember me? Bertie … from your old grade school. … You don't? … Oh, you do! Well, that's great. How are you, Casper? … Yeah, nice to talk to you too… No, no, I never went to California. … Oh, is that where they all are? … Well, I'm in Yorkbridge, Vermont … Listen, I just wondered … spur-of-the-moment, you know: how about a little mini reunion … Yeah, just you and me. … Pop up here for a little visit, you know? … Swap old school stories, what have you … You just might? … You will? … Well, that's fantastic. Sure, I'll give you directions.

(DIM LIGHTS AND EXTINGUISH.)

Scene 3 (partial)

Same setting as before. CASPER DEAN enters, followed by BERT. CASPER is long, thin, bald or balding. He wears glasses and makes a nerdy impression. He has a high nasal voice and a trick of wrinkling his nose.

BERT: Casper! Come in!

CASPER: Well, I am in! (Cackles.)

BERT: I was going to pick you up at the station.

CASPER: Station? I was drivin'. Followin' those directions you gave me, on the phone. Don't you remember? Not the greatest directions, but I had my road atlas, don't you know?

BERT: Thank God. You're an experienced traveler, I guess.

CASPER: Sure. Been in 28 states, I figure. For the beetles.

BERT: The Beatles! I had no idea …

CASPER: Twenty-nine if you count Ohio.

BERT: Really! (Pause) Well, Casper! You don't know … (how good it is to have you here)

CASPER: I remember you now. You're the one who was friends with that Frank. Frank Coleridge.

BERT: Oh yes, sure. We were friends for a while.

CASPER: He always made sure I was the very last one to be picked for the baseball team.

BERT: Did he?

CASPER: And the football team.

BERT: Oh, you were better off not being on that football team at all, believe me.

CASPER: I was on some team all right. Everybody was. It's just I was always the last one to be picked.

BERT: Of course!

CASPER: They used to trample all over me, whether or not I had the ball.

BERT: They tend to do that, don't they.

CASPER: I never did have the ball, to my recollection. (Beat) Basketball, too.

BERT: What about basketball?

CASPER: Always last one to be picked.

BERT: Yes, of course. The tall ones were the ones to be picked first. Always.

CASPER: Except me.

BERT: Oh! I guess you were pretty tall. Even then. But you weren't terribly quick, if I remember right.

CASPER: Well, my glasses would never stay on, so I had to run after them before they could all step on them, and by the time I had them back on, wham! Another goal, or basket, or what have you.

BERT: It was tough, sports.

CASPER: I never enjoyed all that stuff very much. The games, and the running and jumping and all that. In fact, I never did have a very good time in school. Did you?

BERT: In retrospect, I rather think I did.

CASPER: Really? Hmm. (Beat) I'm sort of glad they all moved far away, most of them. I never liked any of them very much.

BERT: What was your thing, back then?

CASPER: My thing?

BERT: Yeah. What did you like to do? If it wasn't sports, like most of the other guys.

CASPER: I always liked beetles a lot. Still do.

BERT: Beetles, as in beetles, or Beatles, as in "Yeah, yeah, yeah"?

CASPER: No, just beetles. With the six legs and all that.

BERT: I see. Beetles. (Beat) How about fish?

CASPER: Never could stand those cold-blooded things.

BERT: Are they?

CASPER: Aren't they? I don't know. I didn't always pay much attention in biology.

BERT: Except about the beetles.

CASPER: Oh, I didn't need school for that. I knew all about beetles. Tons of books, with all the species and habitats and everything.

BERT: The reason I asked about fish, you see, we had … (this fish)

CASPER: Yeah, like I said: I never could relate to them. Water creatures - too far removed from man!

BERT: But beetles …

CASPER: Now salamanders - that's a different story.

BERT: Gettin' closer to the beetles.

CASPER: Well, not exactly, but … Jeez! I'm getting' kinda hungry! Long drive …

BERT: Of course! What can I offer you?

CASPER: What've you got?

BERT: Good question! Well, cereal …

CASPER: Cereal!

BERT: Give me a minute. (Leaves for kitchen.)

CASPER: Hmm. Frank Coleridge. And who was that other guy … Bill Something. No, John. John Henley! Always showing off on his bike … pretending to run me down and all. (Sits on couch, puts is feet up on ottoman, polishes his glasses. BERT returns with a plate on which there is some strange brown substance, surrounded by heaps of crackers.)

BERT: I found this. Delicious. Try one.

(Smears paste onto a cracker, hands it to CASPER, who stuffs it in his mouth whole. Throughout the following, CASPER keeps munching until the plate is empty.)

CASPER: Not bad!

BERT: You want something to drink? Coffee? Tea?

CASPER: Herb tea? Hibiscus is my favorite.

BERT: Hibiscus! You really drink …?

CASPER: Or if you ain't got that, I could get myself interested in a nice peppermint tea.

BERT: Peppermint? I don't think … How about peppermint schnapps? We may have …

CASPER: Oh, no! I don't touch the stuff.

BERT: I see. (Pause) So what do you do in old Bradleburg, Ohio?

CASPER: Oh, plenty. We do plenty.

BERT: I mean, you personally?

CASPER: Oh! I'm a clerk … for the town.

BERT: You're the town clerk?

CASPER: Oh, no! I'm just a clerk to the town clerk.

BERT: Oh, you're the Town Clerk Clerk!

CASPER: That's right. That's what they call me. Town clerk clerk.

BERT: (Pause) So … you weren't really that keen on school.

CASPER: Well, no. They all gave me a real hard time, you know. All the way through grade school, and on to middle school, and then high school. Always the same crowd, you know. They all stayed on and gave me a hard time.

BERT: Yeah, kids aren't always very kind.

CASPER: I remember you all right. But you kinda laid off me half way through middle high. That's when you took up with that Zoe.

BERT: Zoe! Yeah, I remember her.

CASPER: That kinda de-flected you, I figured.

BERT: Zoe! Hmm. (Pause) You had any girls you were interested in?

CASPER: Sure. I went out with Brenda. Brenda Hausman.

BERT: Oh yeah. With the buck teeth.

CASPER: Yeah. That's her. But she gave me an ultimatum on my collections.

BERT: Collections. Not just beetles.

CASPER: Beetles, sure. And I had the vintage cars.

BERT: Vintage cars!

CASPER: Small … you know, toy vintage cars. The Porsche Carrera, and a 52 Thunderbird, and all that. And then I had the mushrooms, and the stones. Which of course were more plentiful in our area.

BERT: More than the beetles?

CASPER: Oh sure. And the season runs longer, don't you know.

BERT: Especially with the stones.

CASPER: Yeah. (Snickers.) Oh! You're joking.

BERT: Yeah … like old times! (Pause) Um … that Brenda - she ever cry?

CASPER: Cry? Sure.

BERT: Didn't you find that tough to deal with?

CASPER: I guess. Kinda. Why?

BERT: My wife just went through a thing …

CASPER: Yeah. Some o' them do. Brenda, she used to cry all the time.

BERT: Really? What about?

CASPER: All kinds of stuff. Her buck teeth, sometimes.

BERT: Her buck teeth? Why?

CASPER: Well, you know, I'd poke a little fun about it, and suddenly she'd bawl, without a word of warning.

BERT: I see.

[Scene continues . . .]